


The Permanent Prank

by malevolentstorm



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: As in like, Crack, Gen, Prank Wars, Young Harry Hart, during the early kingsman years, its pure crack, the reason why merlin is bald, this is just, young Merlin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 15:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12435558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malevolentstorm/pseuds/malevolentstorm
Summary: Harry Hart, one of the most exhausting Galahads to ever grace the doors of the agency, was in fact directly responsible for Merlin's hair loss - and not in the metaphorical way most assumed. No, during the midst of an epic prank war Something happened. A Something that destroyed Merlin's beautiful locks forever and resulted in a ban on pranks.





	The Permanent Prank

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kingscunt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kingscunt/gifts).



> You can all blame Kingscunt for this - they completely egged me on and its all their fault. I had basically nothing to do with it except for the fact i am the one who wrote it

Harry Hart was a little shit. A fucker with a shit-eating grin pasted on his face as he back-chatted his boss and swore like a sailor as he detonated the 5 extra hand grenades he had managed to smuggle on his mission. This was a fact known by everyone who had ever worked for any branch of kingsman - especially those who had met him. The fact that he had always been a little shit was perhaps less known and for some, even contemplating the idea that he had once been even worse was enough to bring them to the point of tears. But that's not to say that it didn't have its advantages.

Harry Hart, one of the most exhausting Galahad's to ever grace the doors of the agency, was and still is the reason for over half of the recent additions to the kingsman rulebook as well as Merlin's hair loss. He was responsible for the latter in a much more direct way than most people assumed.

* * *

It was the year of ‘83 when a young and far too mischievous Harry started a prank war with his good friend Merlin. It was the summer of ‘85 when it got taken too far. The only reason it had managed to last so long in the first place was due to the somewhat necessary truces called during missions (a rule only introduced after The Incident) and the rather slower escalation than anyone had expected.

The war probably could have lasted for a good five years had Merlin not retaliated to one of Harrys rather imaginative pranks by replacing all the brandy in his house with apple juice, stealing Mr. Pickle, and putting Harry in charge of the recruits for the Gwaine position all within the same 24 hour period. Needless to say it had put Harry in a rather foul mood and he immediately began to plot his revenge.

Harrys revenge scheme had many steps. For all his shortcomings, he could be patient when it suited him and right now he was playing the long game. Merlin would rue the day he thought he could win this prank war. Harry would show him. His plan had many steps and stages and was crafted to carefully ruin the next 3 months of Merlin's life. In Harry’s defence, it was not supposed to affect the rest of Merlin's life.

* * *

 Merlin and Harry had many light-hearted rivalries between them and Harry intended to target each and every one of them. The first one he decided to tackle, was the great hair debate. Harry was very proud of his hair and often claimed it was his best quality (“although if we’re being honest Merlin, I have many best qualities”). The only issue here was that Merlin often claimed the same - meaning the two had a solid base of hair related quips in their inventories. Step one of Harry's revenge plot was all to clear: fuck up Merlin's hair.

There were many ways he could go about this. He could drug Merlin and bleach his hair. He could drug Merlin and dye it neon orange. He could drug Merlin and shave it off. However all of these ideas lacked a certain appeal. Harry could be a vindictive bastard and what he really wanted was to trick Merlin into fucking up his own hair. All he had to do was wait for his opportunity.

An opportunity that arose when Merlin was pulled into a mission with high stakes. A mission that required him to stay at HQ for weeks. A mission that meant Merlin's house was empty and accessible to any who possessed the skills and knowledge to enter it. How lucky for Harry, that he was such an individual. Sniggering to himself quietly, Harry broke into Merlin's house - bypassing the unnecessarily complicated security measures with ease. He wasn't Galahad purely because he looked good in a suit - and he was one of the few agents that was good enough with computers to keep Merlin locked out of his systems.

Once he was inside his plan was simple enough. Making his way to the upstairs bathroom Harry ran through his idea and grinned manically. Revenge would be his. Reaching Merlin's bathroom he stopped to go through Merlin's hair products until he found what he was looking for. Whistling cheerfully to himself he tipped the shampoo bottle upside down and poured it down the sink until there was half the bottle left. Perfect. Now to fill it back up with an assortment of different things and hope for a disastrous outcome.

He reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, dumping the contents into the shampoo bottle before tucking it back in his pocket. Then he looked up and began to rifle through Merlin’s cabinet. He grabbed every chemical he could find and (after ensuring they weren't too dangerous - he didn't want to hurt his friend) tipped them all into the shampoo bottle - giving it a good shake to ensure it was thoroughly mixed up. It wasn't enough. So, in a manner reminiscent of ‘Georges Marvellous Medicine’, he descended into the laundry room to continue his attempt at potion making.

By the time Harry had finished making his concoction, the shampoo contained not only detergent, olive oil and washing up liquid, but also toothpaste, window cleaner and antibacterial hand gel amongst many other products. Harry nodded to himself in satisfaction. That should do the trick. He put the shampoo back where he found it and the, as an additional fuck you to the man who had ruined his day, he also moved every single thing that was nailed or glued down an inch to the left. Merlin would know he’d been here anyway and what better way to cover up his tracks than misdirection.

He left the house, locking up behind him and for headed home feeling very pleased with himself and a job well done. No-one could have predicted the final outcome. Well, someone probably could have if they'd tried hard enough. This was, after all, a situation that involved Harry fucking Hart - and any situation involving him will have bets placed on it that run to every single possible extreme. Something that has led to many a lucky tech raking in a lot of money after jokingly betting that not only will Harry have seduced the man he was meant to be surveilling but also have successfully invited his wife and butler in on the action.

* * *

Three weeks later, two days after Merlin had been allowed home, he stormed into HQ steam coming out his ears which were far more obvious than usual - given that they were no longer covered by the cropped wavy hair that Merlin took such pride in. Not only were his ears no longer covered in it, but neither was his head. The whispers that graced Merlin's ears as he stormed his way towards Harry's office did nothing to improve his mood.

He barged into the office of his no-longer-best-friend and glowered fiercely. Harry glanced up from what looked like paperwork but realistically wouldn't be nonchalantly - and immediately had to clamp down his shout of delighted laughter. He hadn't even begun to hope for full baldness.

 “My my Merlin, nice…...head,” Merlin's glare deepened, “I must say dear chap, your ears look awfully like rocket fins”

Merlin growled threateningly, Harry just stared back, innocent and unconcerned as you please.

“I know you had something to do with this. Hart.”

“Oh, back to surnames are we - McIntosh”

“Dont. Don't you fucking dare Hart. I know this was you”

“Yes well. You’ve no proof. I’ve no intention of confessing, and if it was me (which it wasnt) then I must've been driven to it,” Harry smiled up at Merlin, angelic and sweet and deadly misleading, “Besides, I wouldn't worry your pretty little less-misshapen-than-I-thought head about it. After all, it's just hair. It’ll grow back.”

Merlin grumbled something under his breath that Harry couldn't make out but took to mean he was right of course and Merlin was sorry for ever yelling at him. Merlin would’ve disagreed with this interpretation but, as Harry didn't bother to tell him, he couldn't.

“I’ll get for this Hart, dont think I wont”

Harry blinked up at him, “I look forward to it”

Harry watched as Merlin marched out his office and began yelling at any nearby technicians, making sure to maintain his unaffected visage until the door slammed shut; at which point he burst into a wide sadistic grin. Stage one complete. Now he would wait for the regrowth and then move on to stage two.

It turned out he would be waiting a while.

* * *

5 months later, Merlin begrudgingly reached the same conclusion everyone else had. His hair was never coming back. Harry had somehow inadvertently created a ‘forever-bald’ potion and destroyed Merlin’s hair permanently. No-one was sure how he had done it, not even Harry himself.

When questioned about it initially he had denied all involvement, however, the longer Merlin's head went without regrowing a single hair, the less obstinate he had become. He had caved around the 3 month mark, confessing that hed added to Merlins shampoo but unable to tell them what hed added.

“Honestly I really don't know how I did it. I sort of georged it”

“You what?”

“You know, like in that Roald Dahl book?”

“Ah.”

Weapons development were begrudgingly impressed. After 6 careful months of Harry attempting to remember his concoction they eventually managed to recreate it. HArry immediately got it patented and Kingsman suddenly had an additional source of income. That a percentage of all the earnings went straight to Merlin was never discussed. Everyone knew why. After that, a cease-fire was called. Which was for the best given that Arthur himself wrote into the bylaws that prank wars were not allowed to exceed a 6 month limit and would immediately cease if they went past the point of a moral boost.

* * *

In the modern day Kingsman group, not many remember the tale of how Merlin lost his hair and prank wars became etched into the history of kingsman with an aside in the written laws of the place. Rumours have sprung up surrounding its origin and many believe Merlin's baldness to be a personal choice or hereditary - with few even able to imagine him with hair.

However, Harry, with his full head of hair at 50 remembers, and so does Merlin. Merlin who has sat, biding his time and patience, playing a far longer game than anyone would expect. Merlin, who is occasionally able to influence Harry to his will with a few well placed threats and a shake of a shampoo bottle. Merlin, who would never actually destroy his friends hair, but like to threaten that he would. Oh yes. Merlin remembers.

 

**Author's Note:**

> ...anyway i hoped u enjoyed it  
>  as always constructive criticism is welcome cus like,,, i Need to improve so


End file.
